Four Kids, Four College Journeys, and What I’ve Learned Along the Way
“Every student's experience is different, there are a few things I have come to believe about these four years, especially for the parents watching from the sidelines.”
I have four children. Two have already completed college and are now working young adults. I just dropped my senior daughter off for her final year, and in a couple of weeks, I will move my youngest back to school for his sophomore year.
Along the way, I have learned a lot, both from supporting my own kids through college and from watching so many of my students leave home as nervous freshmen and emerge four years later as incredible versions of themselves.
While every student's experience is different, there are a few things I have come to believe about these four years, especially for the parents watching from the sidelines.
1. It really does go by quickly.
Everyone tells you this, and when you are hauling bins up three flights of stairs into a less-than-perfect freshman dorm room, you may not believe them.
Believe them.
Appreciate the late-night phone calls, crazy move-ins, roommate drama, new friendships, and even the classes they cannot stand.
There will come a day when you realize there are no more dorm rooms to decorate and no more college move-ins on the calendar. Somehow, those four years that once seemed so long are suddenly over.
2. They are going to fail — sometimes in a big way.
This may have been one of the hardest lessons for me as a parent.
They may miss a deadline. Forget a project. Sleep through an alarm. Bomb a test. Make a poor decision.
Our instinct is often to jump in and fix it.
But college is one of the safest places for our kids to begin figuring out how to recover from their own mistakes. Sometimes the greatest growth comes from having to walk into a professor's office, admit what happened, and figure out what comes next.
We can listen. We can support. We can offer perspective.
But we don't always need to fix it.
3. Every child gets to have their own college experience.
With four kids, I can tell you that not one of mine has had the same college experience.
One may find their people immediately while another takes a year. One may love Greek life while another wants nothing to do with it. One may call home every day while another checks in when they remember they have parents.
Try not to compare siblings, roommates, friends, or the carefully curated college experiences you see on social media.
Embrace who your child is, what they love and the experience they are creating for themselves. There is no one "right" way to do college.
4. Don't make every problem your problem.
This one takes practice.
When your child calls upset, sometimes they aren't asking you to solve anything. They may simply need a safe place to unload.
I've learned to listen, let them talk, and ask what they think they should do. It is amazing how often they already know the answer.
The goal isn't for them to stop needing us. It is for our role to slowly change from managing their lives to being a trusted sounding board as they learn to manage their own.
5. If they have an opportunity to study abroad or travel, encourage it if you can.
Some of the biggest growth I have seen in my own kids has happened when they have left what is comfortable and familiar.
They navigate airports, unfamiliar cities, new languages and cultures. They get lost and figure it out. They meet people who grew up completely differently than they did.
And they come home different — more mature, more confident and more capable, with a new appreciation for how big the world is.
If the opportunity is there and it is feasible for your family, encourage them to go.
6. College is about much more than the degree.
Of course we send our kids to college to learn, earn a degree and prepare for whatever comes next. But so much of their education happens outside the classroom.
It happens when they live with someone completely different from them. When they join something without knowing anyone. When they get their first internship. When they advocate for themselves with a professor. When they manage their money poorly and then have to live very cheaply until the end of the month.
The transcript is only one part of what they bring home after four years.
7. Changing direction isn't necessarily a bad thing.
They may change their major. They may decide the career they have talked about since eighth grade isn't actually what they want. They may quit an activity they once loved or become interested in something you never saw coming.
That can be unsettling for parents, particularly when we think we know where they are headed.
But isn't that part of what these years are supposed to be about?
Sometimes figuring out what you don't want is just as valuable as figuring out what you do. Their path may not be the one we pictured for them — and it can still be a really good one.
And finally, enjoy it.
It really does go by quickly.
Over these years, I have wiped away more tears than I can count. I have missed my kids fiercely. I have stayed awake far too late worrying about things I couldn't control. I have wanted to jump in and fix things when I knew I needed to stay on the sidelines.
And I would do all of it again.
Somewhere between freshman move-in and senior year, something remarkable happens. You send a child off to college, and little by little, you watch an independent young adult emerge.
They make mistakes. They surprise you. They struggle. They change direction. They find their people. They discover things they love. And they learn they can handle hard things without you.
Final Thoughts
So take the pictures at move-in. Answer the late-night calls. Listen to the roommate stories. Send the care packages. Let them make some mistakes.
And enjoy having a front-row seat as they become who they are meant to be.
